10 Marriage Tips We Have Learned As Newlyweds
The Husband’s Side
Lianna and I have been married for only 3 amazing months from the time this blog is published. That is a very short amount of time compared to the many years that others have been with their spouse.
If you want to read the story of how we started The Simple Mission, read here.
In writing this blog, as newlyweds, we want to be open, honest and intentional by sharing our struggles and tips from a fresh perspective. We know that every relationship is very different from the other in different ways.
To do this, we both thought we each should write our 5 tips to share from our own perspective and tie it all together. In writing this, we did not converse or talk about what we wrote until the very end. We wanted to see how similar or different our tips are from each other.
Before I met Lianna, my sister, our long-time close family friend and I were out on the beach enjoying a beautiful sunny day. We were all lying next to each other in the warm sand soaking up the sun’s rays and listening to the ocean waves crash. It was a relaxing time, a time of thinking and examining our lives. My sister and her started chatting about marriage, love, kids and life and I was just listening to their conversations.
Our friend had been divorced many years ago and never remarried. My sister and her begin to talk about what had happened with their past marriage, wanting to listen and learn to what she had to say. My sister asked her randomly if she could go back what would she change or fix to try to hold the marriage together. She responded with, prayer. Prayer would have made all the difference in the world.
She continued with if we would have went in prayer together then I would probably not be sitting on this beach with you today. Both of my sister and I’s jaws dropped and tears started to form in our eyes. She said that there were so many times when we both needed prayer and we would try to answer our prayers by our own doing and life would get worse.
As we were looking up at her, she said that there is so much power in laying your hands on your spouse and praying for them in the best and worst of times. She said that prayer would have saved their marriage and made all the difference. She told us that when we get married to the love of our lives, to always remember to PRAY.
One of the major points on our vows that we wrote to each other was to pray constantly. Praying separate and together. Praying when life gets rough and when life goes great. Praying is my number one newlywed tip because it is most important to put God first by consistently praying. It has made all the difference for Lianna and I in this short amount of time that we have been married.
2. TALK. TALK. TALK.
You have to talk to each other about what is on your mind. You and your new spouse do not have mind powers to read each other’s mind. Make the time in your busy schedule to talk about the day. Our time to really have good talks is early in the morning, after we have our morning devotional and a cup of coffee.
We talk about the plans for the day and what all we need to get done. We talk about our relationship and how we can better ourselves as a wife or husband. We talk about our worries and stresses, our successes or failures. We talk about everything and anything that comes to mind. We also try to talk during the day as well. Keep each other updated on what all is going on and how our day is going, of how we are feeling when things do not go as planned or when we get let down by others or by each other.
Talking is super important in any relationship, especially newlyweds. It enables you and your spouse to be open and honest with each other while listening to each other and understanding.
3. SET YOUR PRIDE ASIDE BECAUSE IT WILL CAUSE YOU TO STUMBLE.
Pride is a dangerous trait when it swells up in marriage. Marriage problems, fights or arguments can be direct results of pride. Pride can form in many different cases or scenarios.
When I was single, my pride was through the roof compared to where it is now. When we first got married, I had to mentally adjust and realize that I was not the only person living in the same house. I had to quickly understand that it does take two people to make a great marriage happen and one person can have so many skills and attributes that the other may not have.
Learning to put aside your pride will enable you to learn more about your spouse and it will most likely surprise you. The things that both of you can do together as a team will be far greater than you can ever imagine or dream of. And it can only happen if pride is left at the front door.
4. KNOW THAT YOUR SPOUSE WILL HANDLE STRESS & CONFLICT DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU.
Stress and conflict for newlyweds? No, that never happens when the honeymoon stage has just begun. Let me break some news, that stress and conflict within a marriage usually happens as life happens.
This is the key that we both have found… it truly is about how you handle the stress or the conflict rather than while it is happening. Let us get real, stress and conflict is in our human nature. Even if we despise it and try anything and everything not to have it. It still comes around. How Lianna and I deal with and handle stress and conflict is very different.
When Lianna gets stressed out to the max or a big conflict arises, she shuts down and dives deep into her thoughts without speaking a word. Me, on the other hand, will start talking a million miles a minute, talking myself crazy and I will start pacing and walking in circles. We both are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to how we handle stress and conflict individually.
I have learned that when stress and conflict starts brewing in Lianna, I have to give her space and time to think and clear her mind. She has learned to speak what is on her mind and try to talk it out.
5. HAVE FUN GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER & NEVER STOP GOING ON DATES.
As a newlywed couple, we are the very beginning of a lifelong journey getting to know each other. What makes marriage so fun and interesting is wanting to know more about your spouse and constantly having a desire to do so. Everyday I learn so much about my wife, and she surprises me often with things that I had no idea about. Continuing to learn and grow with your spouse is an amazing journey that I look forward to everyday.
One last important thing to keep in mind is to go on dates. Lianna and I make an effort to go on a date at least once a week. Whether it is through sipping coffee at a shop, taking long walks on the beach, or grabbing a bite to eat together. It is so much fun to go on dates and explore the world and your spouse together.
Yes, even if you have been married for 50+ years still take the time to treat your spouse. My grandparents love going on dates to Luby’s on a weekly basis and they have been married for over 60 years and have so much fun doing this. This is my final and fun tip: have fun getting to know your spouse and go on dates.
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The Wife’s Side
First of all, I love being married. I love that I got to marry my best friend and the love of my life, David on June 22, 2019. I already knew going into marriage that there may be an adjustment period for me especially, but I did not realize how extensive this may be for me personally.
On the first week that we got back from our honeymoon, I should’ve been over-the-top happy. Well, I was both happy and not happy. Let me explain. On the first Monday afternoon that David and I were back home from our honeymoon, I cried my eyes out. Earlier in the day, my family had come over to our house for lunch which is thirty minutes away from them.
After they left, it all hit me suddenly and I became overwhelmed with homesickness even though I lived at home with my husband. But I was homesick for my family; I missed my parents, and it broke my heart that I didn’t see them when I woke up in the morning. There were days I was fine and days where I cried all over again. I was so blessed that David was very understanding, patient, and loving to me during this short period of adjustment.
The reason why I share this hard part of the story is so you know that you are not alone in this if you have a hard time adjusting being married in the beginning. It is okay to not feel like you have to always be on such a happy high because it is a far fall back down to reality when it hits you. And for me, I fell very hard back to reality once David and I were settling in back at home. I felt like I was being ungrateful for being sad after I JUST got married.
But, anyways, the adjustment and settling down process is very temporary and short-term. After a couple of weeks since the wedding, I was able to start calling my house as my home that I share with my husband.
Of course, David and I are not perfect and we can get frustrated with each other some days. However, I have my own 5 tips below that I myself have learned throughout the first few months of marriage.
1. PRAY & STUDY GOD’S WORD TOGETHER.
This is an important tip that is a non-negotiable for us. I cannot strive how essential this will be for your marriage, not just for newlyweds, but for the long-term. David and I had to talk more about this in the beginning of how we both wanted to include Jesus Christ in every part of our life together. Someone can easily say “Keep Jesus Christ at the center of your marriage” but what does that really look like? We had to figured this out together. We prayed to God on what to do.
Thankfully, while we were dating and during our engagement, we were doing a devotional together. We continued doing our devotional together as well as having our own personal time with God. Then, we will pray together about 1-3 times a day, out loud.
It is never long. It can be very short and to the point. No theatrics or many empty words. There is something beautiful about praying together with your spouse that immediately invites God’s Presence right where we are at, no matter our concerns, worries, and frustrations.
I will be honest, at first, it was kind of weird to pray out loud with David. Because prayer is such a personal activity in connecting with God. However, when you become one with your spouse, you also become one in living your lives together. That could mean challenges and frustrations may come your way being one. It is good for your spouse to hear your concerns and cares, and releasing it for them and God to hear.
And you know what? We cannot love our spouses well without God. There is just no way because God is the definition of love itself.
These are the verses that was read out loud at our wedding:
“Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
2. DECIDE WHO DOES WHAT IN YOUR HOME EARLY ON.
This is important, especially in the beginning of marriage. On our honeymoon, I already talked to David on what he would like to have dinner when I cook at home. Because I hadn’t looked for a job yet, I knew it would be an automatic responsibility on my part to cook dinner for us.
However, David decided to take out the trash, take care of the yard, and do the dishes at night since I mostly do the dishes in the mornings and afternoons The reason this is important to give tasks to each other is so there is less complications, miscommunication, or frustrations with each other.
3. FIND SOMETHING TO DO TOGETHER THAT YOU BOTH LOVE.
This is a very fun topic because both of you can talk about what your favorites things are, and do them together. They do not have to be major things like hiking; it can be little things.
For example, before we were married, David and I both love to drink coffee, and every time we went to a new area or town to visit, we would like to find a small coffee shop to get coffee and hang out in even if it was just for 10 minutes. We still do this, but it is not all the time. However, it is something that we both look forward to every time. David and I also do gardening, take walks, go to the beach, and cook together.
For you and your spouse, it can look like this: take an exercise class together once a week or twice a month, read the Bible together, take a class on a subject that you both want to learn, going to a new restaurant, cook a new meal or dessert.
Make everything a short, fun date if it is the two of you even if it’s going grocery shopping or the bank or the post office. You do not always need to go on a REAL date in order to date your spouse. Of course, real dates are fun to have and you have to be intentional on do this every so often. However, do not feel let down if you are not taken out on a nice, fancy date every single week. That’s too much pressure to put on your spouse. But, do not feel like a date cannot be simple, as walking on the beach for 30 minutes and talking or watching your favorite show on Netflix together.
4. BE PATIENT WITH EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY IN THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF MARRIAGE.
This is a period of adjustment and getting to know each other more. I did not know David and his day-to-day life before I got married to him. There were certain things that I did not know he did, and he did not know either. I will share just one: in the beginning, he left his clothes everywhere, and I kept tripping over them. I had to tell him that I did not like this very much, and he was patient with me on this and try to stop doing this.
I will say this, too. I had to be patient with David too, as well. I saw someone in need on social media and had a GoFundMe account, so I donated only like $15. But, David said he would like for me to talk to him about it beforehand instead of finding out about it for the first time on our bank transactions online. I understood because we are one team, not team Lianna or team David.
No spouse is going to be perfect, no matter how perfect they may seem in the beginning of the dating relationship or even the engagement process. They will let you down at some point, but it is okay because you know you love them and they love you back. I do not mean that you only need patience in the beginning of marriage because you still need patience even if it has only been 3 months or 30+ years.
5. TRY TO SET A ROUTINE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
I saved this tip for last not because it is not important, but it was equally as important for me as the first tip. As you remembered what I shared in my story, setting routines, morning and nighttime, kept me more sane.
It was my first time living in a house with a man that was now my husband. I did not know how to adjust or where to begin. This is where David really helped me, well, both of us, by suggesting to set some type of a routine for us to look forward. Even if it is not a perfect routine in the beginning, it can always be changed and adjusted at any time.
If you want to learn how to set a morning routine, check out Establishing Your Morning Routine.
For example, in the morning, we would set the alarm for 5:45 or 6, he would get up and make the coffee. Because HeBrews. Just a little joke I wanted to add there. Then, we would start our devotional together and read the Bible out loud together.
After this, I would write or read more; he would do the same or get breakfast started. And, we always eat breakfast together and talk about our day. This is something I had to get used to, but our mornings are my favorite part of the day.
Talk. Talk. Talk.
Set your pride aside because it will cause you to stumble.
Know that your spouse will handle stress & conflict differently.
Have fun getting to know each other & never stop going on dates.
Pray & study God’s Word together.
Decide who does what in your home early on.
Find something to do together that you both love.
Be patient with each other, especially in the first few months of marriage.
Try to set a routine to look forward to.
Thank you for reading,